PARENTAL PRIDE. I cede my space to my son Jonathan Elliot’s reflection after being bestowed the title Fellow of the Society of Actuaries in Vancouver, Canada last Aug. 29, five days after his 29th birthday.
This is his second post-graduate “degree,” the fi rst being Chartered Financial Analyst given by the CFA Institute in Charlottesville, Virginia on October 15, 2012. His mastery of mathematics aside, Jay, unarguably, is the much superior writer to his old man.
IT IS over. I finally reached this milestone, I can now call myself an actuary. Now that I have the time, I find myself reflecting. How did I get this achievement? What did it take to get here? What have I lost? What have I gained in return?
During this introspection I’ve identified the main truths of this journey. There are three. A little over eight years ago, fresh from university with a degree in mathematics, I started work at a small non-life insurance consulting firm after a handful of snubbed job applications.
With nothing to show for and everything to prove, I accepted the minimum salary an actuarial staff can get in the Philippine insurance industry. With very limited resources, I bought food from the cheapest stores I could find.
I lived in a rented six-square-meter room on the second floor of a tutorial center and paid for it with supplemental earnings from tutoring high schoolers math and sciences. With all of these going on, I started studying for my first actuarial exam. And so began my lonesome quest.
Night after night in the Manila heat, alone in this tiny room with wooden walls and floorboards, I burned the midnight oil. After a couple of months of studying, I took the first exam about probability. Eight weeks after that, I received news that I passed it.
Then there was the next exam, then the next, then the next. Lather, rinse, repeat. Life was simple for the following years. Just one man’s lone journey to carve his own path in the world, one step at a time. With a long-term goal at the back of his mind, he was focused on only one thing: the next test he had to pass.
One man, one exam. No gods, no masters. Only me. Or so it seems. As much as I want to make this a story of adversity, independence, and triumph about a liberal writer’s son with a humble farmer for a grandfather, I could not.
For there lies the first truth of this journey, the one I never liked to admit…
I was never alone, I always had help.
Words of appreciation are in order to those who shared this burden with me, whether they know it or not. To my parents, not for the genetic material that gave rise to this five-foot-ten ectomorphic body with two left feet and a mind with above average mathematical acuity and a propensity towards logical thinking.
But simply for all the parental support: moral, financial, and everything in between. To my siblings, especially to my three sisters, for all your help with the parts of my life that I usually missed. Also for keeping me grounded, or at least trying to.
To my whole family, for always being there. To my managers, for inspiring me, teaching me, and showing me how to be professional. To my colleagues, for all the experiences we’ve shared, in work and in life. To my employers, past and present, for sponsoring my exams and providing platforms to develop my career.
It has been a privilege to have worked with all of you. To my contemporaries, for sharing this goal. It is comforting to know others who are in the same boat. To my mathematics professors, for building a foundation on which I stand and from which I can fly.
Also to my teachers in general, some of you have taught me not to settle for mediocrity but always aim for excellence.
While I’ve fallen short as a student, I hope I’ve made up for it as a professional. To all my tutees, trainees, and anyone who otherwise learned anything from me, for giving me a chance to learn how to set an example in return. To the Filipino taxpayers, for funding my formal education, being a public school student and scholar.
To my brotherhood, for the fellowship and for sharing those intoxicating moments of sweet victories and bitter defeats, in life and in love. To my closest friends, for always on standby for me to vent my feelings and share my secrets.
Also for understanding why I was periodically absent, physically, mentally, or emotionally. You all know who you are.
To all of you I pour my heartfelt appreciation now that I’ve made it here. Thank you. Without you I never would have been able to undertake and finish this extremely difficult endeavor. It was a huge burden to carry. The second truth of this journey…
It was hell. Harrowing, depressing, exhausting.
Six thousand hours of study, two hours per day on average, every day, non-stop for eight years. May not seem much, but add in a fulltime job, sleep, and other daily functions and there is very little left for anything else. I could have invested more time and effort in my family, friends, and other relationships.
I could have partied hard as young adults usually do. I could have played more RPGs, RTSs, and FPSs. I could have pursued the one who got away. I could have committed to other things besides work and study. Or I could have acted more irresponsibly. I could have done a lot of things that I wanted to do.
But something forbade me from doing all of those, something terrifying.
I call it “the Voice.”
A demon that whispers whenever I start having fun, and speaks louder as fun increases. Annoying whispers eventually become unbearable screams, though it says only one thing: that I cannot enjoy my life. Not yet at least.
That I should be spending my precious time and energy studying and being productive with my career. That the only thing that matters at the moment besides work is the next exam. That everything else can wait. With this perpetual nagging in my head, I can honestly say that I haven’t fully savored anything for the past eight years.
I always felt guilty when I wasn’t spending my time wisely, I haven’t felt genuine excitement either. Things become simpler when you live like a robot. You know your priorities when failing an exam is vastly more traumatic than getting dumped by a woman; when food is just the right balance of nutrients you need to function; or when exercise is just an activity to stave off lethargy and improve blood circulation.
While I did have a few adventures, the voice was always there, reminding me that their only purpose was to unwind myself for the next bout. The voice depreciated the pleasure derived from these experiences. I would’ve been depressed had the voice allowed me to, it just plainly told me I could not have afforded the energy for emotion.
Ironic that it also became my salvation, I guess it’s not just a demon after all. It was a long eight years, the best part of my twenties that I will never get back. I can keep deluding myself, but I cannot deny that I’ve sacrificed so much, maybe too much.
Every actuary asks this question at some point in his career, if you could turn back time would you do the same thing? As I came up with an answer, with all that I’ve given up and while I stand here on the other side, I’ve reached the third truth. The third truth of this journey…
It was all worth it.
When I began this career a couple of months before my 21st birthday, I gave myself until I turn 30 to finish all of my exams. I turned 29 last Sunday (Aug. 24). While it was earlier than expected, it was still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and from it came the most precious gifts I’ve ever received: hardship, failures, and eventual success.
In this fast-paced age of information, we’ve become slaves to convenience and efficiency. We now demand knowledge neatly packaged into Buzzfeed lists and nice little image macros for quick and efficient consumption.
We can’t be bothered to spend a few more milliseconds typing “Happy Birthday” instead of “hbd,” or to offer messages of condolences instead of clicking that “Like” button to show our support.
We obsess over the top secrets of millionaires and other shortcuts to success that we ignore the long hard road needed to trudge to get there. We have become lazy. Through this struggle I’ve learned a lot of things. I’ve learned to value integrity the most, as something so precious and difficult to obtain does not deserve to be cheated.
I’ve learned that once I’ve set my sights on a goal,a lot of what seemed important turns out to be just useless clutter.
Conversely, with the few moments I had for myself, I’ve learned to appreciate the little things I usually took for granted like home-cooked meals lovingly made by the women in my life, playing hideand- seek with my nephew, or a relaxing nap under a tree on a breezy afternoon.
I learned that the best things for me are definitely not free, but are the ones I strive for. I’ve learned firsthand that a difficult ordeal is already its own reward and that grit is far more important than genius. Hardship breeds strength of body, of mind, and most importantly, of character.
And in this Darwinian world, strength is critical to prosperity, let alone survival. Speaking only about the more fortunate members of our species, most of us have lost appreciation for life’s challenges. We are scared of facing them and we avoid them as much as possible.
We often choose to take the path of least resistance, more so than the road not taken. We focus on the destination and not appreciate the journey. We do not take risks, we pursue the short-term rewards, and we take the easy way out. We are afraid of failure.
Everyone experiences failure, with quite a number of exams for me. There was nothing more disappointing as it rendered months of studying fruitless, not to mention hundreds of dollars of exam fees down the drain. I’ve eventually learned to manage grief during such times.
I allowed myself to drown in sorrow and disappointment as much as I needed, but I made sure I got back up the very next day, if not earlier. As my old mentor used to tell me, persistence is the key. There will be much more and much bigger failures that I will experience, and I am not afraid of them. We learn more from our defeats than we do from our victories.
Failure fosters fortitude. After all these hardships and failures, today I can finally taste it. Almost everything I did for the past eight years have been for this moment. The taste of completing all those exams and getting three letters added to my name, FSA, Fellow of the Society of Actuaries, sure is sweet.
Of course my ambition does not stop here, and this milestone is not an end in itself but is just another link in the chain. A lot of doors are now open and all I have to do is step through them. Success gives us more confidence and enables us to dream bigger, setting goals we never would have considered before.
It remains to be seen how I will use what I’ve gained to live and pursue happiness, but I have no regrets. Still, one is only human. There are times when I look back and wonder about those that I’ve lost or never had. Naysayers who told me that I’ve wasted chances or this was not the right way to live didn’t help either. I almost feel bad about it.
But at the end of the day I know I wanted this and I would have done everything again to get to where I am now.
Because regardless of what anyone tells him, be it family or friend, a real man is the master of his fate. He makes his own choices and faces the consequences. He knows what he wants. And he takes it all. It is time to take the rest.
“Why then the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.” – William Shakespeare, The Merry Wives of Windsor.
